(Last Updated: 21 years ago)
This piece, a Tanka poem by BeiYin, offers a poignant exploration of existential despair and the eventual, quiet acceptance of Being. It’s a journey through the disintegration of identity, the fading of relationships, and the stripping away of illusions, culminating in a serene, wordless understanding. The poem, structured in the classic five-line Tanka format, uses concise imagery and introspective questioning to convey a powerful emotional arc. This article delves into the layers of meaning within BeiYin’s words, unpacking the journey from desperation to a state of peaceful existence.
The opening lines paint a picture of dissolution. "One’s thoughts – actions – goals / nothingness filled up with sense / constructed stand points." Here, the very foundations of self – thoughts, actions, and aspirations – are revealed as ultimately transient. The "nothingness" that once seemed devoid of meaning now takes on a new significance, suggesting that even in the absence of defined purpose, there is an underlying essence. The "constructed stand points" crumble, indicating a rejection of rigid beliefs and a surrender to the fluidity of experience. It’s the initial crack in the facade, the first step towards confronting the void. This is a crucial moment in the process of cleared up desperation.
Continuing this theme of deconstruction, the subsequent lines address the inadequacy of intellectualization. "Clever words – wisdom of self / static dissolving in space." The poem suggests that intellectual understanding and self-proclaimed wisdom are ultimately insufficient to grapple with the depths of existential questioning. "Clever words," which perhaps once provided comfort and a sense of control, now dissolve into the vastness of space, becoming meaningless echoes. The "wisdom of self," often carefully cultivated and clung to, proves to be just another form of static, a distraction from the deeper truth.
The next stanza delves into the realm of ingrained habits and beliefs, highlighting their ultimate futility in the face of despair. "Habits – hopes – beliefs / relating to emptiness / views trapped in vain." The poem acknowledges the human tendency to seek solace in familiar routines, cherished hopes, and deeply held beliefs. However, these are presented as ultimately rooted in "emptiness," suggesting that they are merely constructs designed to mask the underlying void. The "views trapped in vain" reinforces the idea that clinging to fixed perspectives only perpetuates suffering and prevents true understanding. This is a crucial part of cleared up desperation.
The feeling of isolation intensifies as the poem progresses. "Observer lost in darkness / no stepping stone left ahead." The speaker is depicted as an isolated observer, plunged into darkness, with no clear path forward. The absence of a "stepping stone" symbolizes the loss of direction and purpose. This is a particularly vulnerable moment, a complete surrender to the unknown. The darkness represents the absence of familiar comforts and the confronting of the raw, unfiltered reality of existence.
The poem then shifts to the realm of relationships and the fading of emotional connections. "Relationships end / reflected feelings faded / longings all cut down." The disintegration extends beyond the internal landscape to encompass external relationships. The ending of relationships and the fading of "reflected feelings" suggest a loss of connection and validation from others. The "longings all cut down" signify a painful severing of desires and expectations, a stark reminder of the impermanence of human connection.
The next lines explore the physical dimension of this existential crisis. "Body’s appearance shrinking / properties give no support." The poem acknowledges the fragility of the physical body and the limitations of material possessions. The "shrinking" appearance could be interpreted both literally and metaphorically, suggesting a diminishing sense of self and a growing awareness of mortality. The fact that "properties give no support" emphasizes the futility of seeking solace in material possessions or external validation. It’s a recognition that true support must come from within.
The core of the poem lies in the questioning of motivation and purpose. "What was driving me / direction giving ideas / with selfless motives / reality took over / illusions dried out in time." The speaker grapples with the loss of their driving force, the ideas that once provided direction, and the selfless motives that guided their actions. The stark realization that "reality took over" signifies a shattering of illusions and a confrontation with the harshness of existence. The "illusions dried out in time," suggesting that the passage of time inevitably reveals the impermanence of all things.
The feeling of abandonment and introspection deepens. "Left alone – ignored / without sharing of my pain / thrown back to oneself / Outside distraction calms down / distorted view turns inward." The speaker feels isolated and unheard, "thrown back to oneself" with no external source of comfort or support. However, this isolation also provides an opportunity for introspection. As "outside distraction calms down," the speaker’s "distorted view turns inward," allowing for a deeper examination of their own inner landscape. This is where the work of cleared up desperation truly begins.
The poem reaches a crucial point as the speaker questions the very meaning of existence. "What keeps me alive? / Memory of existence? / Experience patterns? / Why do I still ask myself? / Tired of endless answers." These lines represent a profound existential crisis. The speaker questions the very foundation of their being, wondering what sustains their existence. The questions themselves become a source of weariness, as the speaker grows "tired of endless answers" that ultimately fail to provide lasting satisfaction.
The poem’s resolution arrives in the final stanzas, with a shift from questioning to acceptance. "Looking at the moon / stars blinking straight down to me / message without words / There is nothing left to say: / BEING fills the space – – and me." The speaker finds solace in the natural world, observing the moon and stars. These celestial bodies offer a "message without words," a profound understanding that transcends language and intellectual comprehension. The final line, "BEING fills the space – – and me," represents a culmination of the journey, a quiet acceptance of existence in its purest form. The desperation is replaced by a profound sense of peace and integration. The speaker no longer seeks answers or external validation, but simply embraces the present moment. This is the true meaning of cleared up desperation.
The use of Tanka form is particularly effective in conveying this journey. The short, concise lines force the reader to focus on each image and idea, creating a sense of intimacy and introspection. The final two lines, longer than the preceding three, provide a sense of resolution and completeness.
In conclusion, "Cleared up Desperation…" is a powerful and moving poem that explores the depths of existential despair and the eventual acceptance of Being. Through its evocative imagery, introspective questioning, and carefully crafted structure, BeiYin invites the reader to confront their own mortality and to find solace in the simple act of existence. The poem’s message of hope and acceptance resonates deeply, reminding us that even in the face of profound suffering, there is always the possibility of finding peace and meaning. The journey of cleared up desperation leads to an understanding beyond words.